


The Tears in His Green Eyes

by Twenty_One_Idjits



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bad Parent John Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Crying, Crying Dean Winchester, Cussing, Dean Winchester Prays to Castiel, Drunk Dean Winchester, Fix-It, Homophobia, Homophobic John Winchester, Homophobic Language, Hurt Dean Winchester, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester Abuses Dean Winchester, John Winchester Being an Asshole, Love Confessions, M/M, My First AO3 Post, My First Fanfic, Past Child Abuse, Praying Dean Winchester, Sad Sam Winchester, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Spoilers for Episode: s15e18 Despair, Spoilers for Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Spoilers for Episode: s15e20 Carry On, alternate ending of 15/18, ignoring 15/20
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:20:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28395264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twenty_One_Idjits/pseuds/Twenty_One_Idjits
Summary: This has some MAJORspoilersfor 15x18 read with cationthis happens right after 15x18sad dean goes to a bar after Cas died and uses bad coping mechanisms to help with the death. while at the bar he makes a drunken realization that may change his life forever
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> if you see this and you know me you dont  
> READ THE TAGS  
> have fun reading  
> sorry if it sucks  
> LostChaosKitten is my beta they have some really great works you should check them out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ THE TAGS  
> have fun reading  
> sorry if it sucks   
> LostChaosKitten is my beta they have some really great works you should go check them out.

The words echoed in his head. It was all he could think about since his best friend said them.  
_“I love you. Goodbye Dean.” _  
And that was it; he was gone. All Dean could think about was that Cas was gone. Eventually, his brother Sam found him sobbing in the dungeon, without any more tears coming out.  
“Dean?” Sammy asked.  
“...Heya Sammy,” he said in a rough and painful voice.  
“Are you okay? What happened? Where’s Cas?” Sam was immediately worried when he heard his older brother’s voice, it sounded as if he’d been crying for hours.  
“Sammy, C-C-Cas is gone,” Dean said as his voice wavers and he stutters over Castiel’s name, still heartbroken from him leaving.  
“Oh… what can I do for you? I know that you loved him.”  
“Just leave me alone for a little while.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Okay, just call or text me when you wanna talk. I will always be here for you.”  
“Okay.”__

____

____

“Hey, Cas? I don’t know if you can hear this, but I need you. You can’t just leave me here all alone after you told me you loved me. You are a total _asshole! _How dare you think you can just tell me you love me, and then push me away and leave me!? YOU STUPID FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! FUCK YOU! ...Why won’t you just come back to me? Please. Just come back, you fucker.”  
‘That’s it,’ I thought to myself, ‘I am just gonna go to a bar and drink it. I shouldn’t be this heartbroken. He was just Cas. It wasn’t like I had a break up with someone. No matter what Sammy or Charlie or anyone said I wasn’t in love with him we were just friends’. With that thought, he got into Baby and drove to the nearest bar.__

____

____

The bartender who greeted and served the Dean was a moderately cute guy looking around 25 years old. With fluffy brown hair, he had striking red eyes that were not possessed but naturally colored. His name tag said ‘Elijah’.  
Dean spent around 20 minutes there taking shot after shot of whiskey.  
“Woah,” Elijah said after seeing just how drunk Dean was, “I think that is enough for you.”  
“But my best friend just died right in front of me,” Dean replied, drunk off his ass.  
“And.. he told me he _loooooooves _me, which makes me wonder why I miss him sooo much. Oooooh mmmy Gooood! I think I love him too, but don’t tell him though. I wouldn’t wanna ruin our friendship with my stupid feelings.”  
“Oh. I am sorry for your loss. What was his name?”  
“He was this ammmazing angel named Casssssitel,” Dean says slurring his words. “Well he deserved to die if he was gay, and you do too, if you are as well.” Dean was told by a guy who looked around his 50s or 60s. He had some grey hair along with his natural brown. His face had some wrinkles and old brown eyes. From what he said, he was clearly disapproving of the LGBTQ community.  
“Ah, that reminds me that I can't like guys, because my dad said so. He used to yell at me if I was ever near a guy, and he would hurt me if I ever touched one.”  
“Shit man. That’s not a good man. You shouldn’t listen to him; you should be you,” Elijah stated  
“Naaaaaah man. He is dead now. I don’t have to listen to him ever again.”  
Duuuuuuude! He mighhht allreadyyyyyy know that I looooooooove him, ‘cause he can reeeeaad minds,” Dean slurred.  
“Dude, go home. Is there anyone who I can call to pick you up, or do you need a cab?”  
“You can caall me a caaab. Ssssammmy wouldn’t be there.”  
The bartender nodded and called a cab from his phone, “Okay, man. It will be here in fifteen minutes.”__

____

____

That night, as Dean laid in his bed, crying and sleeping off the rest of his hangover, all he could think of was blue.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait I had midterms and problems in my family

_‘I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive, and you're angry, and you're broken. You're “daddy's blunt instrument.” And you think that hate and anger, that's... That's what drives you, that's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. (he smiles, crying now) You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell... Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack... I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean.’_ what no no no no this CAN'T be happening again! _‘I love you… Goodbye dean’_ CAS! 

Dean woke up in a cold sweat with a small shout and tears running down his face. He is completely not ready to deal with what he just saw in his sleep. He looked up from the floor with a look of realization on his face when he became suddenly aware of the fact that he was still wearing the jacket he last saw Cas in, with his _bloody_ handprint on his left deltoid. All he could think about is his _striking_ blue eyes and how much he missed Cas. When he looked around his room all he could think about was Cas, he had to leave. After that, he went to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and try to find a way to get the love of his life back. 

Later when Sam woke up and found him in the library reading a very old book he was immediately worried, but if he knew his older brother and he did then Dean wouldn’t wanna talk at the moment so he chose to make breakfast for the both of them. Some nice bacon and eggs because he knew his brother couldn’t say no to bacon.

While Sam got started on breakfast Dean ended up finishing his coffee completely unaware of his younger brother being awake and in the kitchen. Dean almost dropped his mug in fright from seeing sasquatch in his kitchen.  
“Goddamnit Sammy” Dean expressed in fright from seeing his younger brother in the kitchen. “Sorry dean I didn’t know you didn’t see me in the library with you, I thought you knew I was awake” Sam replied nervously before seeing just how worryingly depressed and messed up his older brother looked. “So.. whatcha reading in there, it looks a little hefty for reading at 7:30 am,” he said as he was getting back to his amazing smelling bacon and eggs. “It was nothing,” Dean said sheepishly, obviously not wanting to continue on this subject. “You want some?” Sam asked, knowing Dean couldn’t say ‘no’ to some amazingly greasy bacon and eggs, especially after a night out. “No. no I am not really feeling up for it right now” Dean replied as he went back to the library to finish doing his research for now with his fresh cup of coffee. 

Later dean went back to his room without food to try and not think about Cas, his lost love who he never told how much he loved the angel. While the dean was in his room Sam started looking at the book he found his older reading at 7:30 a.m. A functional approach to mysticism that didn’t sound like light reading, which dean willingly researching isn’t normal in is its self but at 7:30 in the goddamn morning AND not wanting bacon means he is very bad for Dean. 

While Dean was in his room he dug out the alcohol he hid in a secret compartment in one of his dresser drawers. The bottle that he was searching for was a bottle of Macallan from 1926 worth around 1.9 million. Dean had some glasses in his room so he opened the bottle and poured the amber liquid into the crystal glass, the whiskey smelled delectable, a nice oak smoky-spicy scent. He let the amber whiskey fall into his mouth, he almost moaned at the taste of caramel, oak, and sherry oak flavor that was in the whiskey. Dean loved the slight burning sensation in the back of his throat, which showed him that he could still feel something other than the pain of Cas leaving him.  
A little later the bottle was almost empty and Dean was drunk again. And his mind immediately went to those intoxicating bluest of blue eyes. If this was a few months ago that would bring a certain tightness to his pants but now it only brought tears to his beautiful apple green eyes. All dean could do was pick up the dirty jacket off his bedroom floor that he had worn the last time he had seen Castiel. Dean didn’t even care that the jacket was dirty and was on the floor all he wanted to do was crawl into a hole and cry, he didn’t care if it was cheesy or Chick-flicky he picked up the jacket brought it to his face, and tried to will the tears away because he couldn’t cry not again he needs to stay strong couldn’t let his guard down not after everything it was one of the ‘important’ lessons john taught him, no not taught beat into him along with being anything but Cisgender and Heterosexual was wrong. He needed to stay strong for Sammy. Dean soon pulled out his phone and called Castiel and it went straight to voicemail.” This is my voicemail. Make your voice...a mail” came an angelic gravely deep voice through the phone that if anyone was in the room with dean they would see just how much his voice affected dean “Cas call me back I need you to know this I-I love you” he was soon cut off with a shaken sob. After that, he fell asleep clutching the jacket for dear life.

“Fuck dean” I exclaimed after taking a quick glancing read at A functional approach to mysticism and putting it back down to go check on my brother. _‘Dean, you really aren’t okay, are you? I knew you got it bad, but THIS bad wow’_ I thought to myself walking to Dean’s door. I lightly hit my knuckles on the wooden door and called out to Dean. “Dean?...” when he didn’t answer I got worried so I opened his door and my eyes almost bulged out of my head. _‘His room is a mess’_ as I walked slowly through his room I saw Dean sleeping with a dirty jacket in his hands and an empty bottle of whisky next to him. So I went over to him, took off his shoes, and removed the jacket. I took a closer look at the jacket and saw some sort of handprint on the shoulder similar and in the exact place as the old scar that Cas burned onto Dean when he was lifted from hell. _‘What is that?’_ I think as I bring it up to my nose to smell. _‘Blood...old blood I probably shouldn't wash this just in case’_ I thought. I didn’t know what to do with it. I ended up deciding on folding it and putting it on Dean’s dresser. Then I wanted Dean to lay down so I pulled his legs out and laid him on the bed and let his head fall on the pillow. As I left the room I remembered the alcohol dean so I went to go get some water, a post-it, and a few Advil and left them on Dean’s side table. _‘Damn today was a long day’_ I thought right before I yawned. And went to bed.

When I woke up I saw a cup of water next to me, I read the post-it left with it _‘damn... I must have been druuunk’_ that’s when I realized that my phone was on the table as well. So I picked it up with a shocked look on my face when I saw who I most recently called ‘Cas’ it said on my phone and I felt my heartbreak all over again. It was a striking pain in my chest. I didn’t want to leave this room ever again, but I do because I need to use the bathroom. After I came back from the bathroom I went back to bed not even remotely hungry and laid down to try and get some sleep tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading this.   
> please comment with any suggestions if you have any <3   
> drink some water and eat some food  
> take care of yourselves  
> goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued


End file.
